The Power of "AND": How Dialectical Language Builds Better Conversations with Your Teen
As a parent, you’ve likely found yourself walking a tightrope between validating your teen’s emotions and wanting to share your own thoughts, fears, or expectations. One wrong word, one misstep, and the conversation can shut down fast—slamming doors, eye rolls, or “you don’t understand” echoing in your ears.
So how do you keep the door open?
The answer lies in one small but powerful word: AND.
What Is “AND” Language?
"AND" language is rooted in dialectical thinking, a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It’s the idea that two seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time. Instead of choosing between either/or thinking, we acknowledge multiple truths and hold them together—gently and respectfully.
For example:
“You’re frustrated that I said no to the party, and I still need to set limits to keep you safe.”
“You want independence, and I still have a role in guiding you.”
“You feel misunderstood, and I’m doing my best to listen and learn.”
This is more than semantics. It’s a mindset shift that fosters connection, respect, and mutual understanding—especially in emotionally charged moments.
Why Teens Need to Hear the “AND”
Teens are in the thick of identity-building. They crave validation, respect, and space to explore who they are, while also needing guidance, structure, and reassurance from the adults in their lives. When conversations are framed in “but” language—
“I know you’re upset, but you need to calm down”
—it can feel dismissive. The “but” tells them: your feelings don’t matter as much as mine.
On the other hand, “AND” keeps the emotional door open:
“You’re really upset right now, and I want to help you figure this out.”
It helps your teen feel seen, heard, and taken seriously—even when you disagree.
The Impact of Dialectical Language in Difficult Conversations
Let’s say your teen comes home upset after getting a poor grade and says, “My teacher hates me. I’m so stupid.”
You might want to jump in right away with reassurance:
“You’re not stupid. Don’t say that.”
But pause.
Using “AND” language might sound like this:
“You’re feeling really discouraged about that grade, and it’s hard not to take it personally when something feels unfair.”
This statement doesn’t try to fix, correct, or dismiss—it validates and opens the door for further discussion.
How to Practice “AND” Language
Here are some quick strategies for putting dialectical thinking into practice with your teen:
Replace “but” with “and.”
It's a small switch that can dramatically change the tone of a conversation.Acknowledge emotions before offering guidance.
“You’re angry about the curfew, and we can talk about it tomorrow when we’re both calm.”Hold your truth alongside theirs.
“You don’t think this rule is fair, and I’m setting it based on what I think is best for now.”Model nuance.
Let them hear you wrestle with more than one truth. “Part of me wants to say yes right away, and part of me needs time to think about it.”Stay curious.
Ask questions with openness. “What do you think would help next time?” or “Can you tell me more about how that felt?”
What This Teaches Your Teen
When you use “AND” language, you’re not just improving communication. You’re modeling emotional flexibility, empathy, and the ability to navigate the grey areas of life—skills your teen will need in friendships, academics, future relationships, and the workplace.
You’re teaching them that:
Feelings are real and valid.
Disagreements don’t mean disconnection.
Communication is a two-way street.
Final Thoughts
The teenage years are full of contradictions—big feelings, shifting identities, and growing independence. As a parent, embracing “AND” language helps you stay in connection even when emotions are high or opinions differ. It's not about always agreeing—it’s about always engaging.
So the next time your teen opens up—whether it’s about school stress, friendships, or boundaries—pause, take a breath, and remember: Two things can be true. And that truth can change everything.
Looking for more strategies like this?
Consider enrolling in a parent coaching program or enlist your teen in joining a virtual (live or pre-recorded) DBT-A skills group!
Let’s build better conversations—one “AND” at a time.
